Post #8: The Gatekeeper of Communication Response
Although I do not experience the same societal pressures at Viet to conceal emotions and “toughen up” according to society’s toxic masculinity, I do experience similar issues regarding communication and vulnerability. Being the oldest child in my family, I was expected to take on the responsibility of helping to raise my younger sibling. I was almost seen as the “third parent.” This role became larger and larger as I grew older and more capable, like being the babysitter when my parents were out of town, cooking dinner when my parents worked late nights, and driving my brother to activities when I got my license. These expectations to be incredibly mature at a young age made me uncomfortable expressing my feelings to those around me, as I was too afraid to sound immature or stupid.
As I am growing up and more distanced from my family, I am able to realize the long term effects this parental role had on my emotional development. I often find it hard to communicate my needs, and prefer to care for others rather than myself. I even find it uncomfortable sometimes to receive emotional support from my close friends, even though I know they are doing it out of a place of love. Like Viet, I find verbally expressing emotions and feelings challenging, so I have turned to journaling. I started journaling in the beginning of 2020, and I continue to do it now a year later.
For me, journaling is a way to vent out and release my emotions, without feeling like I am burdening others with my problems. I try to set aside at least 5 minutes a day just to write what I am thinking, experiencing, or feeling. I can be brutally honest, without worrying about how I will be perceived for having these feelings. Through journaling, I am able to work through emotions and dive deeper into myself to understand why these feelings arise, almost as a form of self-mediated therapy.
So far, I’ve found that journaling frequently about everything and anything has made me more comfortable with voicing my feelings verbally. Oftentimes my journal entries just start with surface level statements, like what I ate for breakfast, who I’ve talked to that day, or what my favorite part of the day has been. Asking myself these questions opens up my brain, and allows the “emotional juices” to start flowing. Being able to follow my own train of thought and analyze my emotions helps me to understand them more, and feel more confident expressing them. My previous conception of expressing emotions was just telling those around me that “I’m annoyed at my mom” or “I’m stressed about school.” I realized now that it’s a hell of a lot more helpful for everyone involved to say “I’m annoyed at my mom because I feel like she is expecting too much of me,” or that “I’m stressed about school because I have too much on my plate and not enough time for myself to relax.”
Journaling has been a very helpful form of therapy and self-reflection, and these impacts are evident in my life. I have a closer relationship with my family and friends because I have become more comfortable with standing up for myself and voicing my emotions. Now don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near perfect and I still struggle with communicating my needs frequently. But journaling has helped me take a step in the right direction, and allowed me to be more vulnerable to the people that care the most about me.
